| To My Friend |
[Jun. 27th, 2006|10:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Shimmer - Fuel | ] |
Saturday, June, 26, my best friend died. It hasn't completely sunk it yet, but I sat at her bedside til her very last breath and although it was hard to watch her like that, and I will miss her immensely, I'm glad that I don't have to watch her suffer anymore. It is possible to not only cry out every last tear until there is nothing left, but from watching her parents I've seen it's possible to die of a broken heart. I feel bad that I can't cry anymore, but I completely broke down again when I saw her yesterday. It's only been a few days but it feels like it's been months. I remember when she was diagnosed.
I don't know. I have so much love for that girl I dont' know what to do with it all. She continued to do amazing things until the very end. She told me that I know her better than anyone else she knows, and she doesn't know anyone else as well as she knows me. I take a lot of comfort in that and I thought all my secrets were safe, but as I napped one night she spilled many things to my boyfriend. That's ok. I can't really be mad at her, he won't tell me what she said, but it's nothing I'd be mad over.
She took good care of me. She is exactly what I needed in my life, from the second I met her, to the day I moved in with her, to the day she moved in with me, to the day she left me and for all the days she'll continue to stay with me.
I don't know. |
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| Salvation |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | When You Say Nothing At All - Allison Krause | ] |
And then she woke up and realized the pink glow was a warming, welcoming feeling that and she embraced it. A rainforest shower a little powder, and a splash of love spell she needed to understand that things are how they are. There is no running away, no attempts at avoidance or ignorance that everything is still going to bring her heartache and worries.
She glanced at the picture on the wall and smiled. Things will never be exactly as she wants, nor will her life be what it once was, but part of her is happy for both outcomes; she knows it will bring mystery and excitement to the rest of her days. Pink and green do look spectacular together, but they don't look good when they are swirled in a big wet painty mess. She hates brown.
Instead, she'll continue to find comfort in those things accepting of her yet allow herself to venture forward into new unknowns. |
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| I'm Back |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|09:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fire and Rain - James Taylor | ] |
When it's right, letting everything you know go, and being able to move forward into everything, the feeling is remarkable. The whole experience also does something for the soul; it's very cleansing.
She came back from the funeral and fell to pieces as her sister fell apart. Both for different reasons. Neither of them directly related to the death, but the experience was overwhelming for the two of them. The bond between them is so inexplicably strong that words need not be exchanged; their hearts speak to each other when their mouths never utter a sound.
Tragic things happen in clusters. She can deal with that better than a random sprinkling of unfortunate events overtaking any positive light. When it's all over and the clouds part and the sun shine but the rain doesn't fall, the blue sky and peaceful bass starts to compile her air she feels relief as the weight of all sadness slowly disintigrates into the vast nothingness that is her expansive world. It will later regroup with others' similar troubles, fears from her past and without current heartaches, but for now, nothing matters but cool sea before her and the rhythmic sound of neighbors car clanking down the street. She swears he paid more for his speakers than his whole car.
But then she realizes that although she's currently waiting for nothing, she's waiting for everything. She knows that although sometimes people do things that affect her, they don't do them to affect her. At any given time there's someone who has the power of a band-aid. Only that person can heal another with the smallest gesture, but often they don't know it and although the wound will heal on its own, it just sucks a little bit more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|12:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  full | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Where'd You Go - Fort Minor | ] |
The sky turned grey as the clouds rolled in. But when the rain started, the sun came out creating a soft pink glow in the tiny room. A glimmer of hope shined on the girl in the corner, shaking. Everything had fallen apart but something told her that life would move forward. She had loved ones and all the necessities she needed but there was still something that didn't seem quite right with all she was doing. The thing she wanted most was right there in her arms, yet there was no way she could ever reach it, to have it, keep it. She knew it would be safe, protected and happy with her, but despite their compatibilities, external forces were too strong and kept her from her grandest desire. There were things she wanted, and things she needed, this was both and that's what made her shake. Chasing something is always secure, especially when the persuit is never ending. She realized that if she was able to obtain her truest desire, she wouldn't be able to handle it. She would become overwhelmed with having to face the realization that this was it and she just wasn't mature enough to take on that resposibility just yet. She also knew odds were against her finding another connection like the one she felt when she had this. She was one of the few able to have one thing and strive to have something else. There was no shame or poor tactics used, she only cheated herself on fulfilling her own heart. This young lady partially had everything she wanted but it wasn't everything she needed.
Then there's the letting go. Deciding that you just have to drive away from the wreck of the day is liberating, terrifying, repulsive, necessary. She wasn't giving up, she was making yet another attempt to fill the voids residing within her being.
Alas, I'm out of time, tune in next week for more obscure, slightly depressing stories from my mind. |
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| Ode To My Brother |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|08:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Follow Through - Gavin DeGraw | ] |
Ok, so I have this brother. He's 23. We think he's gay but he hasn't come out yet. None of us care if he is gay, so if that's one of his fears he can shake that right now because we've all accepted it. If he's not gay, then he deserves a great good. Sometimes though, my brother is kind of an ass, and he's not always the most thoughtful person. He can be rude and sometimes just plain mean. But other than that, he's awesome. He's caring and compassionate and he loves things. He is a really good person who does good things. Sure, he's gotten into some mischeif, but who hasn't, Nate Bomey excluded. He's doing great things with his life; he has goals, ambition, strong, sensible desires, and he's a good-looking guy. He's also kind of sentimental without being a wuss, although he is kind of wuss, but in that way that guys are allowed to be wussy. I love my brother. |
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| I Don't Understand |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|01:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bummed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Breathing - Lifehouse | ] |
I make decisions that I think I should stand by. I would like to think I do a pretty good job of it most of the time, but as we all falter, there are ones I don't stick to. There are two in particular that I keep messing up. The main reason is I don't know when I should let it go and when I should not. It seems more often than not, I'm making the wrong decision. The thing about choosing is hindsight is 20/20 and it's not until after the fact do I know that I shouldn't have gone for it.
However, it's the moments that I did nothing that I'll never know if I should have gone for it or not. But there are also times when I had to choose, could only have one. Those are the ones I hate the most. Not because I'm greedy and want it all but because I wonder if I made the right choice. It has so far been my experience that nine times out of 10 both options will do me no good.
Here's another crappy thing. When I do go for it, it leads me to a brand new and exciting place. With new people and new adventures and everything is wonderful. And sometimes it appears to be more wonderful than something I previously had and the temptation to chase the newness takes over. However, being the sensible girl that I am, I realize that going for something new brought by newness would be a big no-no and I just don't do it, because not only would it not work from the very second I made an attempt, but it would ALL be gone in an instant. Stupid morals always get in the way.
But then, although things aren't as perfect as they could be and the new option from the newness would work better, it's still not an option, but the current newness isn't all that great. Not because of temptation for new newness, but because the first newness sucked. It ended up being something other than I felt it should have been, but alas, a new world was presented to me and I have to decide when to close that door and return to my world, only to be drawn away again by something else.
I can't stick to this one because I like newness and new adventures and there have been many times that wonderful things have happened. I want very much for this current newness to do something. I can't remember the last time I've been this excited for something new and this hopeful that something will come of this adventure, something big and long lasting. There is a BIG chance that this new world will chew me up, spit me out, and reject me. It is possible that after I have offered myself, it will decide I am not worthy to have a partial existance in the new world and not only will I be sent on my way against my will, but I will be the one left thinking about it, and staying up late at night writing confusing and semi-pathetic entries in my online journal. |
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| I hate allergies |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|11:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Where'd You Go - Fort Minor | ] |
I have seasonal allergies. I get all sneezy and my eyes itch and I'm just all around uncomfortable. I still wear contacts though for convenience. I throw away more contacts during allergy season than I do in a whole year. If I'm out and my contacts are really bothering me, I'll just take one out and go half-blind. I think I'm on my 4th left contact this month. I'm seriously considering getting the surgery so I don't have to deal with this anymore. Maybe I'll do it before the summer really starts. That would be frickin sweet.
I'm looking for something, and it's weird because it's something that I grew up being told was always there. I'm not sure that I ever felt it but just halfway believed what others told me. I gave up in middle school completely then made another attempt in high school but I found nothing. I think I'm ready to give it another shot, but the problem is I would like to talk to someone about it, but that brings logic into the situation and logic is just really not part of this at all so then I wonder if I shouldn't even attempt because I've lost the meaning before I even began my search.
Ain't nothing like them summer nights.
I hung out with the boy who doesn't call me back last night. It was really nice. I have many thoughts but they will have to be for just myself. I'm in a really great mood right now though, the sun is shinning, the lake is sparkling and I've got the greatest music to fit my mood right now. And, I live in a happy home. Things are good, I took a personal day yesterday which I desperately needed and everything went really really well. The world is finally right again. :) |
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| Just Some Things I Love |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|12:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | He Wasn't Man Enough - Toni Braxton | ] |
I love working in a restaurant, I really do, but my favorite thing is when customers tell me how to do my job. They think it's so easy and that just anyone can do it. If it's so easy, why are there so many crappy servers? Why is it that they think they know about the bar than I do?
I started 6 months after they opened. I know I didn't open the bar, but it's close enough. I like when people tell me how things there used to be, and when I correct them they tell me I'm wrong. Ummm... ok, whatever.
I met a guy. I think he's a good one. I've decided I'm going to marry him. I am not going to tell him though because that would be weird. I knew the second I met him that I am going to marry him. We'll see how it works out. |
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| My Movie Idea |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|10:01 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | B.O.B. - Outkast | ] |
Ok, so I had this awesome idea for a movie, and I think someone should really do it. The idea originated from dinner last night with my parents; my mom said she wanted to see the movie Failure to Launch and my dad really wasn't up for it. I told my mom exactly how the movie would go:
His parents ask her to get him out of the house. She falls in love with him before he finds out, but he does find out and gets pissed at her. They break up. They get back together. The end. What a waste of $12.
My movie goes like this:
It's a love story and all the regular bullshit happens in the first hour or so. Then when it seems like what might be the end, the guy says something like "We'll be together forever," but then gets railed by a bus (yeah, I'm taking it from Final Destination). Then it shows the whole "one year later" thing, and she's crying and her mom tells her to get over it. So she starts dating someone else, wait, make that an arranged marriage, which is why she was crying. So she's about to get hitched and he comes back pissed off that she left him because he didn't die, he didn't even get hit. She just disappeared. The rest of the movie will then carry on with a bunch of random plot twist and unbelievable events. It'll be great, everyone should come see it. It's in theatres soon (yeah, I'm Canadian, what of it?) |
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| I Can't Help It |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | No Other Way - Jack Johnson | ] |
I like him. I really like him. There are things about him that I don't like of course, but on the whole, I like him. Things I don't like are his moodiness. I wouldn't say he's cranky or immature or anything like that, but sometimes he's overly stern. I guess it might be necessary at times, and I certainly have my bitchy moments but I'm not attractive when I'm being bitchy. I don't like how he doesn't like me more. A huge deterant for someone is when their attention is not being returned.
Here's what I do like:
He thinks. Not only is he capable of holding a thought, but he has ideas and just knows things. When He's asked a question he thinks about what was said, processes it with what he knows, adds ideas to it, and responds in an intelligent manner. It's really appealing.
He's concerned with himself. In a good way of course. He strives to make himself what he wants to make himself into. He works for what he wants. Ambition... very sexy.
Others desire to have his friendship. He's not popular, he's not hot shit, he's himself but those around him who know him want to be friends with him. He's supportive of his friends so it makes sense. However he doesn't seem to make as many sacrafices for his friends as possible but that's not something I'm familiar with so my assumption could be very inaccurate.
He's descrete about his desires. He has interests but they aren't things he makes public. It could be less appealing if the truth was that his interests are unobtainable but for how he affects me, I'd like to continue looking at this in a desirable light.
He's frickin cute. He's got a good height and weight. He's just frickin cute.
I enjoy him. He's nice, helpful, intelligent, cute, and just cocky enough to give him confidence in areas that he needs more confidence. He's not shy but not outgoing. I like him. He is balance. |
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